Fatherless Father's Day

Every few years, my birthday and Father's Day merge.  I am thankful today was not one of them. I have been moody and unpleasant for at least 2 weeks. Today, I started my feel just downright crumby. I am every fortunate to have found a wonderful kind husband who adores our child. I am struggling with celebrating my husband and mourning my dad on the same day. I don't think it will ever get any easier. I really tried to give my daughter's daddy an amazing day and here I am sitting here in a quiet dark living room with a glass of wine with tears streaming down my cheeks. I feel crushed and I feel guilty for feeling crushed. 

My well meaninged mother-in-law brought over a gluten free birthday cake. I was thankful to put my child to bed at the same time the sweets were coming out. That way I didn't have to face another celebration. I have 48 hours to work out these feelings. Then I turn 42 and I'll be facing the first birthday with out my dad. I'm sure that celebration will be much less heart wrenching. At the end of the week, I have my very first book launch and a reading and will be signing books and Dad will not be there, either. I wish I could say things will improve but, I shave my head on Saturday. I was going to ask Dad to shave his with me this year. Last year, he asked if he could.

 

This is never going to stop. Is it? 

 

Happy Father's Day, Dad. I love you and I miss you. 

 

Comments

[Susan]

I don't have any words you haven't heard before, but it's been a year and a half since I lost my mom, with whom I shared a very close relationship, so I can tell you that no, it's never going to stop, but it is going to change. It's true, what they say -- the first year is the hardest, because you hit all the "firsts" and they're so intense. For me, this second year it's not the birthdays and mother's day and anniversaries that are so hard; it's just the random moments when I find myself thinking, I should tell Mom that; or wishing I could share something that happened with her; or panicking for a minute because I think for just a second when I think, oh my gosh I haven't called Mom in forever! But those moments come less frequently and in between I can talk about her and share good memories of her and think about her without quite the horrible ache I had almost constantly that first year. So it changes. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!